|STEPFAMILY ENERGETICS PART TWO|
“It all feels so natural, nobody even notices what’s going on until
the whole ship is listing badly and taking on water – and even then,
they don’t understand what caused the problem.”
This is where I left you last week.
So, how does it look in real life, when masculine and feminine energies become so unbalanced in your step-couple relationship?
Let me share what my clients have expressed after working with me, in their own words:
“Me running the house is masculine energy which is why I’m always tired
and one of the reasons he doesn’t like being at home…”
“My sisters and mom and I all joke about how we can do everything
ourselves and can’t rely on men to get it done for us as we’re just disappointed.
So when Tracy read that my energy was more masculine and I was used
to getting stuff done, I just chuckled as I’ve known it’s true for years,
but also why I’ve noticed us women attracting weaker energetic partners.
It’s something I’ve often felt resentful about when I’ve felt like my husband
had this ‘can’t do anything about it’ victim energy about tough situations,
which has in turn, made me feel more forceful and pushy. It was pretty
amazing to hear Tracy able to pick up on that.”
Can you see a version of this in your own family?
It’s crystal clear to me how the feminine often responds to an unknown – like this brand new step-family dynamic – with a survival reflex of “hyper-efficiency”.
She thinks her survival depends on her ability to get it all done, to “fix” whatever’s broken – even if that means she has to “fix” the masculine himself,
for his own good.
Let me tell you something now: if you look up the word “fix”, you won’t find any reference to repairing or restoring something.
Fix actually means “to secure or fasten in place”.
Yup. In trying to “fix” the masculine, you’re actually pinning him down like a frog on a dissecting board!
No wonder he looks paralyzed.
And, the better you get at doing it all, the more he can’t make a single move to help.
Besides, the true masculine does not desire to be anyone’s “helper”.
He doesn’t want to help, he wants to LEAD!
So, how can you get off this hamster-wheel of misery?
You have to do the most un-natural thing you can possibly think of.
Take the push-pins out and back off – with pure love.
Stay out of his lane.
Acknowledge that the way he raises his kids is none of your business.
He gets to mess up. Royally, if need be.
Without you saying a single mother-loving word about it.
He has the right to learn to do it by himself, in dignity.
I’ll bet as you read this, you’re already sensing how hard it will be to stay in your feminine energy while he tries his hand at being the leader before you think he’s ready.
Here’s the way another client puts it:
“I need to give him the opportunity to step up and lead,
even if I don’t like or agree with how he
decides (or not) to do things.”
The more your spouse embodies his true masculine energy, the better parent and partner he’ll become and the more calm and full of love your whole family will be.
I’m ready to drop the codes you need to bring this dream into reality. Hit reply to this email if you want to reserve a coaching spot.
#stayinyourlane #energywork #familydynamics
Lori Sims runs the Nacho Kids Academy – sign up with this link and she’ll send a portion of your fee right back here to support this podcast!
Click here: https://nachokidsacademy.com/theessentialstepmom
Here’s a link to the episode with Lori’s husband David: https://anchor.fm/essentialstepmom/episodes/ESP-6-3-David-Sims—Pulling-it-out-of-the-fire-elkg5g
I do a livestream video every Monday in my Facebook group The Spectacular Stepmom. Tomorrow’s session (Monday Sept 13) at 1pm EDT is called Bouncing Back From Stepmom Burnout – Before It’s Too Late. Join the group by sending a join request to facebook.com/groups/thespectacularstepmom or email me at email@example.com to ask for a link to the replay.
It’s a Nacho Role-play with Lori Sims, the original Nacho Mama! You can learn more at nachokids.com.
Sign up for the Ultimate Stepfamily Summit (Sept 15-17) at bit.ly/tracysummit
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Here are some highlights of today’s conversation with Seth Nelson:
1:10 – when Seth got divorced, the law required one parent was named the primary residential, the other was secondary. In the end, it’s all about your ego, it’s just a label.
5:25 – On frequency of visits, it’s often better to have more visits for a shorter time, especially for younger kids.
7:25 – 95% of the time you have with your child is before they’re 18!
You can find Seth’s podcast at How To Split A Toaster – https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-split-a-toaster-a-divorce-podcast-about/id1527497405 and his website is https://nelsonkoster.com
This is part 2 of my 3-part conversation with Florida-based family law attorney Seth Nelson. Listen at 2:20 to hear Seth describe the the 3 worlds in which he lives as a divorce attorney, at 5:25 to learn about the many categories that courts consider (Factors A, B, C….all the way to Factor T!) and 10:10 to hear his take on why 60/40 might be better for you, even if you’re getting the short end of the stick.
Seth’s podcast is How To Split A Toaster – you can find it here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-split-a-toaster-a-divorce-podcast-about/id1527497405
His website is https://nelsonkoster.com/
Sign up for the Ultimate Stepfamily Summit at https://bit.ly/tracysummit
This is episode 99 of the Essential Stepmom podcast! In honour of reaching our 100th episode tomorrow, I’m hosting a contest! Give this podcast a review on Apple podcasts and win a chance for a free 60-minute coaching with me – alone, or with your partner! Just find us on Apple podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/essential-stepmom-podcast/id1466706524, write a brief review, screenshot it and email it to me at email@example.com. Can’t wait to see yours there! — Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/essentialstepmom/message
“Live your life, not your divorce!”
Seth’s podcast is called “How To Split A Toaster: A divorce podcast about saving your relationships”. Here’s a link to the show on Apple podcasts:
You can contact Seth’s office in Tampa, Florida via his website, https://nelsonkoster.com
Sign up for The Ultimate Stepmfamily Summit with my link to get my special registration bonus, access to over 50 of my stepmom video tutorials!
Click here: https://bit.ly/tracysummit
My gift is crafting ingenious parenting/custody/life strategies for the divorced dad. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org for more information about my comprehensive 6-month 1:1 Undeletable Dad coaching offer. — Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/essentialstepmom/message
What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Anyone in a stepmom position with their partner’s children is not required to love those kids. You didn’t date them, and you didn’t fall in love with them. You didn’t make your life plans based on your feelings for them. It’s almost like having to pick a few random kids off the playground and instantly adopt them without question!
Think of the millions of arranged marriages that happen every single day in the world. This is still the main way that most humans end up in their most important life relationship. Love is not a requirement for success, but some other things are absolutely necessary.
- Kindness – always, with everyone
- Empathy – being able to imagine how they feel
- Goodwill – wanting the best for them as your partner’s loved ones
- Generosity – being ready to forgive
- Responsible care for their wellbeing, as any adult in charge of a child
- Appropriate boundaries going both ways
A lot of stepmoms complain about feeling like a phony with their step kids when they act nice towards them but don’t really like them. If you feel this way, I have 3 words for you:
“Get over it!”
You think that you need to have warm fuzzy feelings inside when you’re with this child, but it’s not true. You read about all the stepmoms who say they love their stepchild like their own and you wonder if something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you.
You see, if you are doing the 6 things listed above, that’s love. That’s what love is, at least in any sense that has practical meaning for the kids. Someone asked for a biblical interpretation of this problem, and that’s it in a nutshell. There is nothing in the Bible about warm fuzzy feelings. Love for another person consists in doing those loving things.
Still feel like a fraud for being nice to someone you don’t much care for? How much do you love your mother-in-law? Your partner’s buddies? Your brother’s wife? Maybe you even have a stepmom or a stepdad you’re not crazy about, but you can probably hold it together when you are with them. Nobody needs to know all the secrets in your heart.
Give yourself permission to feel however you feel and know that as long as you keep the dad in the forefront of the parenting, focus on your relationship with him and wait patiently for the kids to mature in due time, it’s all good. You’re in this for the long haul, don’t be in a hurry.
Focus on what you need to feel better while you wait out the 7-10 years that experts tell us it takes for a stepfamily to gel.
If your partner is struggling to connect, or to re-connect with an alienated teenager, make sure he registers for LIONTAMER, my new 6-week intensive for dads. He’ll learn to deftly guide his wandering teen back into their natural state of loving attachment and loyalty to him.
Here’s the link: https://essential-training.thrivecart.com/liontamer/
Legacy Mastermind is exclusively for divorced dads who feel helpless against the power of ongoing high-conflict that’s drawing their children away from them. In this program they will be coded to strike the tone of fatherhood and develop the magnetic quality that will draw their kids into their orbit and keep them there forever! It starts this week, Feb. 17th. There’s still time to join – email me at email@example.com. — Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/essentialstepmom/message
Just two more days left to register! Restorative Parenting for Divorced Dads begins Wednesday November 2.
By Christmas, you could become that dad who knows the trick to following through on what he says without using heavy-handed parenting tactics, how to get rules made that your kids will actually follow (it’s true!) and to make sure that your kids really feel safe, loved and seen with you, no matter what they hear from their mom!
Go to bit.ly/dadcodes to register. Upgrade to the VIP package for unlimited 1:1 support from me over Voxer – I’ll personally walk you through all the implementation so you don’t fall through the cracks! — Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/essentialstepmom/message
Want to learn how to get through to kids who are being brainwashed about you? Sign up for my FREE 3-part workshop October 27-29, 2021 called Reversing Parental Alienation.
Go to bit.ly/alienationstrategy to register and don’t forget to join the private Facebook group just for this event!
Family Constellation Therapy was created by Bert Hellinger. My favourite book on this topic is by Jakob Schneider – it seems to be out of print but the Kindle edition is available here:
Reach out to me for a link to watch my video on some specifics of how to start making a new family. You can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org or just click on this link to watch:
Is your partner interested in learning about my 1:1 coaching program for dads? Email me at email@example.com or visit my calendar to book a call at bit.ly/CALLTRACY — Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/essentialstepmom/message
So, we’ve just started to dip our collective toe into the world of how masculine and feminine energies operate behind the scenes in our family dynamic.
I talked a lot about masculine energy last week in Part Two so it’s time to unpack the feminine energy a bit now.
There’s a lot more to feminine energy than the motherly part, but that’s what most of us rub up against in the stepfamily setting.
Let’s take a moment to acknowledge the baggage of collective consciousness we carry regarding feminine archetypes in general and motherhood in particular.
You know what I mean – it’s what drives your awareness of how you think you shape up as a girlfriend, a wife, or as the “assumed” mother of your partner’s kids when you go out in public.
You’ve heard me say many times that as a stepmom, you have to ‘unplug’ your maternal instinct.
The maternal instinct is like a kind of GPS. It works great as a guide for mothers in raising the little humans they bring into the world, but it relies on being hardwired right in to the operating system of those tiny beings themselves.
As a stepmom, you feel your GPS coming online, but it’s not getting the real-world feedback/co-ordinates it needs to function. It’s literally sending you in the wrong direction most of the time.
There are only two viable destinations (roles) for you in your stepfamily:
1. the place of ‘important/beloved personage’ who is not a mom (auntie, mentor, fairy godmother, etc), or
2. the place of a mother figure who lives in another dimension.
That second option might sound kind of weird but stick with me!
Imagine a 3-D chess board, like the way they played on Star Trek.
|The game is played by different rules than the one-dimensional version. The more powerful pieces can move between boards, weaving their influence in and out of each plane of engagement according to complex laws that open up these new possibilities.|
In this analogy, the stepmom (Queen) becomes a kind of shapeshifter who can adapt her “mothering” role to suit the circumstances, entering and exiting each board from another space where she waits for her next opportunity to make a move.
She doesn’t gain or lose power by moving from one plane to the next.
It’s how she wields her influence in this game.
The maternal-instinct GPS is useless to you in playing the stepmom game because it’s running old collective codes.
It’s not programmed to upgrade you to another plane of existence. It keeps you stuck on the hamster-wheel of trying, trying, trying to be some kind of mother
in a one-dimensional game.
Upgrading your consciousness and becoming multi-dimensional is the true treasure you seek on the stepmom quest!
Evolving the very core of your being is what’s known as the path of self-actualization. It was recognized by the psychologist Abraham Maslow as the ultimate goal of the human experience.
Through this lens, every one of your stepfamily challenges is a unique call to evolution, one that you’d never hear if you weren’t playing this game.
You’re damn lucky to be here.
|“I know exactly what nail to hit now – the exact “tic” has been named so it’s given me a lot to understand and piece together”.|
This is one of the best bits of feedback I’ve ever gotten on my work!
It’s from one of the survey forms I got back after a week of doing Family Energetics readings for the 6 stepmoms who signed up for a free session.
I loved doing these readings! It felt more like a week-long game of Whack-A-Mole than work – I just kept hitting the nail on the head over and over as they popped up, in this family and then in the next one.
Beyond the fun of getting to drop my perceptions to clients new and old, I actually had what I’ll call a Meta-insight because it came from perceiving a common thread across the spectrum of families I looked at.
My personal “aha” moment was this:
In every family I looked at, I saw a distortion in how masculine and feminine energies are being managed.
By both partners.
I had never really thought about this before, but it all fell together for me and I wanted to share it with you as I make sense of it in real time.
I actually have a feeling that distortion of masculine and feminine energy is not something limited to stepfamilies, but it doesn’t help that our “second-family” roles are so little understood and so unlike what we expect them to be.
Here’s what I know:
☛ In the decades since women started juggling career and family, we’ve gotten more comfortable wielding masculine energy.
☛ And since men have started asking for and getting joint custody after a divorce, they’ve had to practice being both mom and dad in a way they
might not have had to do before.
☛ As men and women, we all embody both masculine and feminine energies. This has nothing to do with what society says is “man’s work” or “woman’s work”.
It’s about natural law (and, you know how I love natural law!), and how the human psyche is structured. This in turn affects how we tend to show up in relationship and in the larger family system.
☛ The element of “Leadership” in one’s personality is more fuelled by masculine energy. By contrast, the capacity for “Efficiency” actually draws on feminine energy.
☛ “Dreaming” (in the sense of intuiting a direction for yourself and deciding on it) is more of a feminine activity while “Providing” and “Delivering” on that dream lie in the masculine realm.
Both men and women naturally take over any of those roles at any given time and yet there’s a delicate balance that goes out of whack when the partner who needs to be the leader in a family (by virtue of being the parent of one’s children) becomes intimidated by the efficiency of the other
partner and abandons leadership.
He stops feeling good about himself if he doesn’t see himself as the provider who delivers on his partner’s big dreams and desires.
And if he doesn’t get confidence from his role as a spouse, he can’t fully trust in his innate ability to be the fountainhead of whatever his children require of him.
He feels out of his depth and withdraws from the game.
And because his partner loves him, she tries to make it all OK by filling in the blanks on her own.
And the more she does that, the more he can’t take the required steps toward recovering his place.
It all goes on under the radar. Nobody even notices what’s happening until the whole ship is listing badly and taking on water – and then they can’t understand what caused the problem in order to fix it.
I’ll continue this with more about fixing it in Stepfamily Energetics Part Two.
Meanwhile, if you missed out on requesting a reading and you’re just dying to know what I see going on in your family, hit reply and I’ll squeeze you in for a call.
As a stepmom, you’re probably frustrated if you can’t understand, control or bond with your partner’s kids. That’s because you’ve been spending a lot of time and energy trying to mess with things that belong to the core operating system of the human experience:
Did you really think you could just re-code little humans to function differently in your field?
Like, crack them open on the deepest level and just re-program them to flourish?
You’d be some kinda fairy godmother if you could do that!
I say: crack *yourself* open instead, and get to work on your own codes. Start with these:
Go on, you can do it!
Let me hear how it’s going.
Stay tuned for my next course: Stepmom Codes: Upgrading To The New System. Email me for info and to register – firstname.lastname@example.org